I have not been able to write and post lately. The final two months of the year are busy for a pet sitter, what with all the client travel. I’m so tired, when I sit down at any point and get online, the only thing I want to do is find Vines of animals mewing or barking, to entertain the pets I’m sitting. I really need to start making Vines of my own of my pets reacting to the sounds emanating from my devices.
The other reason is of course, I’m a Cancer Curmudgeon. This time of year CancerLand blogs are filled with posts about gratitude and joy, still alive in the face of cancer. I AM grateful to be alive after cancer, and grateful to be super busy right now—for the money, and the distraction that keeps me from focusing on my anxiety. 2014 has been my year of fear, and if I just keep moving, I don’t think too much. So I move.
It’s just that my blog is mostly an outlet for my rants, complaints, gripes, etc., and this time of year does not seem to be a good time to post such things. So I don’t. But that does not mean I have not found things that annoy the hell out of me.
I worry my curmudgeon-y-ness has made me incapable of seeing the good in anything. My ability to grouse even in the season of good cheer makes me think, oh man, what if I’m The Grinch?
I’ve found myself at odds with so many articles I’ve read about cancer lately. News tidbits that so many folks seem to rally around just piss me off. I do not like anything anyone says about breast cancer at all—whether they support the rah rah Pink stuff or criticize it. I don’t like Pink’s message, but I cannot seem to even agree with those trying to counter it! I don’t like anything—what is the matter with me?!! I am the worst breast cancer patient ever!
OK, maybe not. I’ve been doing some soul searching, thinking about why I blog, what I hope to achieve, etc., lately. I know I cannot offer counsel or advice, only a testimony of cancer as I see it, with the idea that if anyone sees cancer in some of the same way, they are comforted they are not alone in their views that are not exactly the “norm”. Because during and after treatment, I often thought, “am I the only one that thinks…”, I sought out blogs and began one of my own. I am the Cancer Curmudgeon, no more, no less. I notice whenever I tend to gain a few followers on social media, I lose a few. Guess I should post warnings about the nature of this blog and my attitudes more frequently. My only message is: if you think this, I thought so too. There are times I disagree with everyone, and everyone will disagree with me. “Oh well, whatever, never mind” (do I really need to list the source of that quote?). I hope that is enough for some.
Lovers of Dr. Seuss’s “Grinch” (the book and the 1966 cartoon, not that horrible Jim Carrey/Ron Howard film) know The Grinch finally learns the power/magic of Christmas, joins hands with the citizens of Whoville, sings that silly song, and carves the roast beast. So maybe being The Grinch is not all bad. I’ll likely never start holding hands and such in CancerLand, but I am capable of growing my heart—I hope that comes through in all of my grousing.
Maybe this post is just a roundabout way of saying: look out, more grousing to continue in 2015!
anotheronewiththecancer 
I have to agree, I am not sure what I feel!
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Isn’t that the worst–unable to even know how you feel?
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I, too, find myself a little “Grinchy” this year. I thought taking toys I’ve collected all during the year to our local Toys for Tots collection point would help, but it didn’t. Don’t know how to get upbeat more.
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Lucky for me, I’m not grinchy in other areas, only cancer. Not that I’m jolly–just too busy to even do my holiday cards! Oh well, maybe this week I can get on that. And later I can get back to griping about cancer issues that don’t stop just because the holidays are here.
BTW, I follow you on tumblr as tooyoungtobethisold, which is my main tumblr blog. The anotheronewiththecancer tumblr is a subsidiary of the main blog, and tumblr rules limit me to following only under my main blog. I do put my cancer stuff on the main tumblr, but it has lots of goofy stuff too. Just worried that you did not think I followed back. I don’t advise following my main blog, unless you have a high tolerance for nerds, cats, comic book/sci-fi movies, and dorky things.Hugs, CC
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As I’ve said before, you’re not alone in your grinchiness. I’m right there with you and I’m not the only one. That’s what I tell myself about my own blogging: somewhere, there’s a feminist BRCA+ woman nodding along to my grousing and thinking “finally!” My blog is the kind of blog I was looking for when I was first tested and couldn’t find. Yes, my pessimism makes me lose some readers, but the ones who stick around and join in are really freaking awesome.
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i hope I’m one of the awesome–because so glad we found each other! And yeah, I blog because my blog is what was looking for too! I hope it provides solace to others, the kind I was looking for. And thanks again for your insight on Twitter the other night–working on that post about being unpretty with cancer, and this influx of naked breast scar pictures, and my conflict about them. Your thoughts have helped me figure stuff out!! Hugs, CC
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Thanks – you made me smile.
Marcy Westerling
http://livinglydying.com/
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Good, glad I can do a little something helpful anyway! 🙂
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Another outstanding post! I am also v Grinchy this time of year. For all kinds of reasons, not just cancer. I so very much enjoyed this read. You perfectly said what I try to put in to words, so often. My deal this year is, I don’t know how I feel about the holidays, I don’t know what I think I should feel about the holidays, and I don’t know what exactly I was expecting to feel over these holidays. Oh well, whatever, never mind. Indeed.
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Thanks! You know, I’ve been thinking how the holidays of 2010 were so horrible–I began the A/C (Red Devil) treatment just prior to T-day, then completed the 4th and final round the week between Christmas and New Year’s. It was horrible and I am a little scarred by the memory of that holiday, just like October is a bit tainted for me (used to be my fave month, now what with Pinktober and it containing so many anniversaries pf cancer for me). Still, I’m lucky to be so busy I barely register it anymore. That’s my default defense I guess–just keep moving….
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oh, Dear CC, I am sorry I somehow missed this post. I will just say that I simply could not imagine another voice that could surpass the way you express things, your uncanny ability to hit the mark spot on with thoughts and feelings that I am not able to articulate, that leaves me breathing a sigh of relief that you and many of your followers “get it” and how it makes me feel not so alone. just keep being whomever you are when you write – your authenticity is beautiful and awesome, and so are you.
much love,
Karen OOxOO
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Ha ha, you didn’t miss it, I had a weird burst of productivity the other day–well, I’m always productive, I was just able to aim it at my blog for the first time in a while.
Thanks as always for your kind words and reminder that yeah, none of us are alone. And it is a relief for me–and I hope others–to know that even when I’m Grinchy, it is OK! I hope to continue to be as honest and authentic as possible, even when I am afraid. Xoxox CC
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The Grinch is the best thing about that cartoon. I had my sentinel node surgery last December 18, then procedures looking for the tumour right through Christmas, and started dose-dense chemo for triple negative breast cancer on December 30; my son was diagnosed with childhood leukaemia December 17 in 2001 and we didn’t leave the hospital for weeks. So December is defs the Grinchiest time of the year for me.
I love your blog. You say what I think but can’t put on my blog until my mother and mother-in-law stop reading it!
xo
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You know, I was just at the dermatologist for a check up yesterday–hoping to not get bad news in Dec (I didn’t). But the sad fact is, illness strikes at any time, those of us unlucky to have to deal with stuff like this in Dec–well, all that social mandate to be cheery is just extra stressful.
Thanks you for our kind words, for reading and loving my blog. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I sincerely appreciate it folks find solace and solidarity here–it keeps me going. Your words could not have come at a better time–someone I knew before cancer just urged me via FB to stop with all this focus on cancer. I was very hurt by her words. Your comment was the perfect salve.
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It’s OK to grouse and be a curmudgeon. The blogosphere needs your voice. I really enjoyed this post. Sometimes it’s difficult to sit between extremes of pro-Pink and anti-Pink. There’s got to be a happy medium somewhere….
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Thanks! Yeah, I keep wondering why I disagree to just about everything said everywhere!! I feel like I’m always “pink is a problem, but the proposed solutions suck too, and no I don’t have any better ideas….” Oh well, that is the lot of the curmudgeon I guess–disagree with everything….
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Went shopping at Walmart. Parking really sucked, BUT when I got to the door the Salvation Army had a kettle and bell ringer. The bell ringer was wearing a flashing red nose. Gave me a laugh, so I gave him $20 just because of the nose. A well needed laugh !!!
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yeah! a laugh is always good!
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