Whoops it’s been about 2 months since I put a new blog post here. I have written one, just didn’t post–it isn’t quite good enough, and it’s just a little too personal to share, just yet.
Mostly I’ve just been tired, bored, unmotivated. I always see writing advice claiming one should write for some amount of time each day because good writing comes from practicing, working on it, not waiting for “inspiration”. Sadly, I have yet to learn this lesson. I kind of need to be fired up to get inspired and then I write in a giant spurt. I just can’t force myself to sit down and write something unless I really have something to say–it feels unproductive to me. So I don’t like to “waste” time at it; there are too many other things I could/should be doing. Yeah, I know it isn’t really a “waste” of time, I just can’t convince my brain of this.
I’ve still been posting on Facebook, a little, though for a few days there I just didn’t. I didn’t feel like engaging in conversation with others on their pages. I was and still am jaded. I’m tired of having the same conversations over and over. I cannot join in repeating the “breast cancer is not a Pink party” mantra anymore. It’s not that I’ve become some convert to perky Pink thought, or tolerant of Pink. No, I’m just beyond it and my brain cannot wrap around the fact that the rest of culture has not caught up with me on that point. My view is: “of course cancer is not fun, we are not all warriors and losers, and everyone knows by now that cancer charities are not spending money wisely”. But of course, most people do NOT know these things. I just lack the patience to continue trying to educate people. I know that is wrong–that I’m being VERY judgey when I consider the general population to be so stupid, when I, my own self, did not know these things before I got cancer. I just didn’t think about it much, like most people, who don’t think about things not directly impacting them–because there are a million other things to worry about. And more importantly, I see the Pink/win/warrior tropes of cancer culture as not THE problem, but a symptom of a larger problem in culture, in general.
I posted on FB something recently about “leaving” a problem, some anon quote that was not intended to be about cancer, I just applied it to my current thoughts about cancer culture. Someone asked me how on earth it was possible for anyone to “leave” cancer. Once a person has it, that’s forever. But that wasn’t what I meant. I did not “leave” cancer, I just had to leave the social media part of it–or at least take two ginormous steps back from it. No, indeed, I did not leave cancer in April, on the contrary, I was very much down in it.
In the middle of May I had my annual mammogram, with the big dollop of paranoia that comes with the looming appointment. After all the events of 2014 (see Complicated Relationship with Hope and Scar Tissue for the details of how I got called back for MRI because of a suspicious area and how that threat of recurrence is shitty), somehow I was more calm in 2015. I guess I just thought, no use getting all wound up, it all turned out OK. But somehow this year, I got wound up. I figured since it all worked out the last 2 times, well, this time would be the sucker punch–much like my original DX in 2010 was the sucker punch.
It turned out OK and everything, ultrasound was approved right away and turned up only a cyst, and I am truly grateful. My brain just indulged in some overactive imagination of worst case scenarios. My brain just broke down for a little while.
So, no, I hadn’t left cancer–I just took a breath, for a minute that turned into 2 months.
So this meandering post is just to keep my toe in the waters, so to speak. I will indeed try to motivate my butt into finishing some of my posts, and get moving. I’ll figure out a way to get over my jaded state of mind, and get back to my curmudgeoning, it just might take on a different flavor. Who knows.